Have you ever wondered what the modern golfer will look like after lockdown? We thought it good to try and describe them.

He or she will have long, uncontrolled hair. The ladies will have these nails that look like claws. If the golfer would walk down the street, or ever get on the first tee, they would not be recognisable because of the mask!!

When they get to play their first shot…??? (A shank for non-golfers is a golf shot that takes off in a 45 degree angle to the right, and that is normally not in the direction the hole should be played. This shot is normally accompanied by a few swear words and the hitting of the club into the ground!)

Please stand back, for the biggest shank , due to the ban on playing of any golf. All these “ changes” have taken just sixty days to be created in the golfers’ appearance. Under Lockdown 3, the hairdressers and nail salons and golf courses are all still closed. Now if you are a consumer of the brown beverages and take the odd puff……well that golfers – is still undesirable. Golfers will be drinking a blend of homemade Pineapple drinks and smoking “ Horse paddock blend”, all bought from a non-registered vendor operating from the back of a car, or on a street corner.

Monday was day sixty of lockdown and only a few professional golfers have ever broken 60 on their scorecards in a professional 18 hole game to record a 59. Some members sniggered at a score of sixty on a nine hole game — that is now going to be a score to aim “fore”.

On the course we have mowed under the pine trees on the 8th and 17th holes. It has given that hole a clean shaven look. On the machinery front we are hoping to get two more pieces of equipment into running condition, because the greenkeeper has tidied all the cupboards in the house, done three puzzles over a thousand pieces each and has now put his hand to mechanical maintenance. Knitting and baking during the lockdown wasn’t his forte. The mature equipment in their late eighteen years of age, when they are “running “ will be able to cut the green surrounds, neater and quicker. The other mower is a 1993 Fairway mower to assist in cutting of the fairways where the kikuyu grass needs a firm cut.

Until we meet again, Keep warm, Keep Safe, Wash your hands and wear your mask – and practice on your back lawn.